I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
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Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH