I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
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These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life