me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
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Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions