very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
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[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Uh oh…
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no