*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
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If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
AM I BEING GASLIT????
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you