Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
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Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
all bases covered
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.