Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
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Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
never deleting this app.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I know this now 😂
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job