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If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Möther may I have a snäck
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Had to try this trend 😊
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Not all heroes wear capes….
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.