What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
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IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.