JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
You Might Also Like
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
i’m having this made into a welcome mat