*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
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When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…