Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
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[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.