The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
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The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons