My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
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Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
got so much cardio in today
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
No, I don’t think I will.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.