Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
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Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Bringing home a sharpie
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes