I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
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When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
What about a To-Don’t List?