I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
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{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Jogging
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine