me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
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WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Squirrels before girls.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.