*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
You Might Also Like
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
You wish you had this many chins.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I am all good here, 😂😉
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
we all know this pain all too well
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people