Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
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THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Realize this:
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Investing in beetcoin
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.