Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
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Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
he’s doing your taxes
My background check bounced.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Happy thanksgiving
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.