me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
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1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.