99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
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Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”