me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
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Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
so this horse walks into a bar
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.