I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
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Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
(by @ZachWeiner )
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
concern
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along