[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
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I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
LMAO
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..