if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
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Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet