Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
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Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way