If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
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Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Why I divorced her.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do