Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
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NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”