Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
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Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Legend 🤣🤣
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*