This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
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You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
ibopfufen
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”