My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
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me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range