Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
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Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Google Pay be like:
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying