“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
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A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Woke up against my better judgment again
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
another case of gang violins
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat