If you know, you know
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[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”