90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
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It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I put the hot in psychotic.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic