a public service announcement
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Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Duolingo getting serious.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”