Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
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Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free