Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
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me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Not today
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?