I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
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The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
😂😂
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta