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Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
What do you hear?
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.