friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
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I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.