Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
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Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job