mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.