“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
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If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
happy mother’s day❤️
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely