This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
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6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Try and stop me.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!