God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
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Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I know this now 😂
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.