it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
You Might Also Like
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.