[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
You Might Also Like
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)